Ramblings of an old love (post of epic length)

Kinda feeling strange tonight. Not really sure how to explain it but I feel such a mix of emotions & so many emotions at once. I feel overwhelmed to say the least. So, Im just going to ramble about it. Might not make any sense at all but I just need to "talk" it out. So, here goes:

The only guy I ever dated (beside Jaxson of course) that I truly loved, Im talkin crazy in love with was Chris. And we continued to have a wonderful friendship for close to a year after we broke up but in all honesty it was like we were still dating. We both held back from dating other people & we talked many times a day & always hung out & so on. It was just so hard to move on because in all honesty neither one of us wanted to break up but we both were unwilling to move closer. Anyway, I met Jaxson about 6 months after we broke up & he was the first guy to grab my attention at all. Jaxson & his gf had just broken up & there was something there that we couldn't explain at the time. Well, although I had only talked to Jaxson a handful of times I deiced to tell Chris that I met someone who had peaked my interest a little. That's all. That's the night that Chris made up his mind that we were done for good & it was time to move on. Although he didn't tell me that till several days later.
(Later down the road Chris would tell me that he knew if I could talk about a stranger the way I talked about Jaxson & the fact that no other guy had even been a remote interest to me until then he knew I was moving on somewhat & that this Jaxson guy must be pretty special. That he didn't at all doubt that I cared about him (Chris) but that I was taking that step to moving on that should have been done months ago. That he had been hoping that we would work things out & felt like we were so close to doing that & then I drop this on him. And while I had been on a few dates as well as he had that I spoke with such passion about this Jaxson guy he knew it was different. So it was time for him to check out before his heart was not repairable.)
Now, at this point NOTHING but a few convos in the mall formed mine & Jaxson's relationship. I started talking to this guy I went to jr. high with & jaxson got back with his gf & Chris started dating this girl, C. Josh & I were nothing. It lasted a whole month I think. lol But Jaxson & I are getting closer & closer. He still has the gf that he doesn't really like but feels like he owes it to her to try this again. During this time Jaxson & I are talking almost every single day, just getting to know each other. I kinda stop talking to Chris as much as I was so I dont really know whats going on in his world. I was going to the mall several times a week just to see Jaxson at work, we were talkin on myspace for hours at a time. As a matter of fact it was a one of those nights in October of 2006 trading emails for hours that a thought came to me & just like that I knew I was going to marry him one day. Kinda getting off the subject, sorry like I said Im rambling & I can drag a story out better than anybody!
While all this is going on Chris is starting to date this other girl, C, pretty hard core. I am to wrapped up in my own thing to notice or even hear him. But truth be known he wasn't very up front about it till they were very much together. When he met her for the first time (they met online) it was an awful meeting & he called me while at her house all upset. He drove 6 hours to met her & when he gets there she isnt into him at all & LEAVES him all alone with her Dad so she can go see her ex bf who is in the ER. I tell him to pack his shit & get the hell out of there now. What she did was wrong & he didn't need that. He was so hurt & my heart was breaking for him. So, I was not happy at all when I found out that they were getting serious cause I only wanted the very best for him. Nothing less.
Through the course of the next few months we are getting less & less friendly & one day we totally had it out over this girl. I knew he would never take what I was sayin to heart because I was his ex and Im sure I was coming off as jealous & whatever but I truly was concerned about him. Our fight was so bad that we didn't talk for a month or two & then we made nice for a very short amount of time & then got into it again over the way she was treating him. That was it. Chris & I were done for good. Forever. We didn't talk for over a year.

Shortly after Jaxson & I got married I sent him a text just saying I was checkin up on him & wanted to make sure he was ok. I just had this feeling. Something I couldn't explain. Not good. Not bad. Just a feeling & I had to follow my gut. Jaxson was sitting with me as we texted but I think it did bother him a lil bit after it was all said & done because he knew how much Chris had once meant to me. And I will always have a soft spot for Chris. He truly was my first taste of love. All we talked about was how I had just had a baby, lost my daddy & got married. He told me that he had just lost his job after being with that company for over 8 years & how he & C had just gotten back together a few months ago after a short break. He told me that he was so very sorry that he wasn't there for me when Daddy died but more so because of all the bs that had gotten us to that place where he couldn't be there for me. That he was happy I had found somebody & had a new baby. And when I told him I married Jaxson his reply: =) I knew the night you told me about him that he was the one. After that he told me that he had promised his gf that he wouldn't talk to me anymore so while it had been great to talk that he had to go & that he was truly happy for me but this had to be it. And the last thing he said: you know I do. I dont even have to say it, you just know baby girl.
While my feelings for Chris are not anything like they once were, he is so very dear to me. He once was my everything. My best friend & he was there when I had a really rough patch. So, it is a hard pill to swallow that we have no friendship at all. And I know that it would be nothing like before, we are different, Im married & he just became engaged two weeks ago. It's just the end of something that was once so important. And while we didn't talk for over a year I told myself one day it will all be ok & we can have some sort of friendship. I think it was the thing that got me through.
Please dont get me wrong I totally LOVE the way things turned out. I love Jaxson for more than I ever loved Chris. I would still marry Jaxson over Chris any day! Jaxson is my true love, my soulmate and I am so blessed! And I am sure most of my women friends already know this but I feel that it needs to be stressed.
It's just ever since I found out he got engaged I have wanted to talk to him. I dont feel like I got the closure I need because it was just cut off. Now I did have that talk with him a few months ago but it was such a "safe" talk. I do miss his friendship or the closes thing we ever had to a friendship but I know in my heart that it wouldn't be right to have that again. Not just because I am married but it was never just a friend thing. There were soooo many feelings between us & a lot of love.
I wanna cry right now so bad. I am on the verge and I have no idea why. I am so happy in my life, I truly couldn't ask for more. But instead of being giddy happy for him, all I feel is sadness. It could be I dont have a very high view of his gf because she not only started off on the wrong foot with me by treating him the way she did but because she just ran over him. I know he is a big boy and can deal with it but thats me. I dont know whats going on with me.
I am happy for Chris if he is truly happy & this is what he wants. I want nothing but great things for him and if this is what he wants & who he wants & is truly happy then I too am happy for him.
Like I said I think the reason I am so emotional is due to the fact that it truly is the end of something that once was everything to me. Something that was so special & I cherished and not just our romantic relationship because that is something that I truly have not felt anything about at all in almost 2 years but more for the friendship.
Lord help me! I hate being a girl sometimes! lol I know this has nothing to do with anything or why I am so bothered by this that I had to write about it.

No comments: