Im gonna miss u like a child misses their blanket...

About 6 months ago I cut someone, who at one time was the most important person (other than my son) in life, off for good. It came at time that was much needed for the both of us & really, what I thought, to be perfect timing. I had tried to cut him out of my life numerous times in the past but had always failed. It really was not a mutual thing. He cried, pleaded, begged & so on to not do this. Although, now I do believe it may be mutual or at least he can see that it really had to be done.

I do believe that if I had not done this that: A. I would not have gone on to get engaged to Ryan. B. That he would be in his "perfect" little union today. C. That either one of us would have any long term relationship with the opposite sex. Pretty much neither one of us would be able to move on with our lives.

I was pretty much at peace (at least that is what I told myself) with the whole thing. I didn't think about him & if I did, I was quick to remind myself of all the bullshit that came along with our relationship & friendship. I just let it go. I never dealt with the lose of my friend. Because after our breakup, we worked damn hard on being friends. We could not, did not, want to lose the other person. We both meant the world to one another & it was not worth losing the other. But with that said we both never really let go of the idea of being together again one day. For a year it was that way. So, were we really ever truly just friends? I don't think so. But then again we were.
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I have never once regret cutting someone out of my life. I believe that people come into our lives for a reason. Every single person. And some are here for a season & some are here for a lifetime. This is one person who I thought would be a lifer. Then I made up my mind that he was just was a seasonal reason. And I was determined to make him that. I could not deal with the things that were going on.

I had never been in love before that man walked into my life. He was the first person I made room for, the first I let get truly close to me, the only one to be that open with. We went through a lot of hell but we went through much more bliss filled times. We did not give up. We fought for what we had, for what we created together. I have never loved a person before him & honestly I have never loved, at least like that, after him. The last week or so I have not be able to get this person off of my mind. Not totally missing him just can't stop wondering about him. Then the dreams started. And for once in my life I have questioned myself about letting go of someone. That just maybe that was not the right thing to do. But I also know that the damage is done. There is no way in hell that what has gone done in the last 6 months can be undone. No way. No amount of love or forgiveness could take way some of the things that have been said or done. And I filled with sadness, regret & pain. Not only for me but for him.

Know what? He called me last night. How freakin weird is that? I haven't talked to him in months! And a real conversation has been at least 5 months or more ago. It was not a good call nor was it a bad call. A lot of dead air. Yet a lot was said in that silence. The call only lasted 8 mins. And I think it has totally changed my life. And not for the better.

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