Cold hearted

I have been through a lot to just be 27. Good, bad, ugly, all of it. Due to a lot of the crap that I have experienced I have become pretty damn jaded & a lil rough around the edges. But I still had heart. Im a bitch. A big one. But I do care (for the most part). Or did. Here lately I find myself not caring at all. There is a person that I should care about beyond anyone (other than my kids) and the truth is they're someone I can't even stand to be around. Like seriously makes me sick to be around this person. How the hell I got from one end of the spectrum to the other is beyond me. However, I have. It's almost kind of sad when you think about it except for the fact that I dont even care enough anymore to give a fuck. I really dont. It's crazy! Like I know I should be upset by this but Im not because I truly despise this person. How did I get here? How did I get so fuckin cold hearted that I truly do not give a fuck about another human being? A few nights ago I called a friend of mine & asked him (he is truly the baddest of the bad. You will never met a more cold hearted bastard than this guy) what would be worse to tell this person off & let them know exactly how I felt or just walk away & not say another word to them? He told it was like choosing your own death, either way you are going to die. In the end he did tell me to tell this person off because its more fun. lol But I think I disagree I think silence is more deadly. To be left out in the cold, abandon by a loved one is much more hurtful & cold hearted than a rant. There should be so many emotions that go with what I have just stated but all I can seem to muster up is astonishment over the fact that I dont feel a goddamn thing. I can honestly say I have never ever not felt SOMETHING. All I can say is I guess it's in the company you keep.

1 comment:

oceans5 said...

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I am slowly learning how to find happiness in myself and move past the bad stuff. It takes time but you will heal. You may still be guarded but eventually you will start to let more people in. Hope everything starts to get better for you girlie. :)