3/25/08

What a beautiful mess



Today has been such a crazy day. Looking through my library of music on this computer & burned a few CD's & popped them in while I started working. WOW! Talk about taking me back. Funny how that happens. Most of what I am listening to is stuff that I had downloaded back in the Summer & Fall of 2006. Blown away. It's like I was transported back to that exact time. I miss the way I felt then. I didn't stress the way I do now. I didn't worry over every little thing. I wasn't sacred of the future, I welcomed it. I was so ready for a new life. And while I have gotten that new life, it was not what I was expecting. Which doesn't make it a bad thing. Not at all. I guess I just needed some time to adjust to it all. I know that I am on the right path to make all that I want for myself & my childern happen, I just dont know if I am patient enough to let it take it's course.
It really got me thinking about that time & what it was like. How I felt. I don't think that I have ever felt as free as I did that Summer & Fall. It was such an amazing time. The things I was able to experience, feel & just live. I was truly living life with no regrets, full of hope & totally living in the moment. I met great new friends that Summer got closer to the ones that mean the most to me. My relationship with my son was PERFECT (although I have never had a bad one with him! lol). That Summer was when I really truly bonded with my girl, Brandy. And I knew that I had the best friend a girl could ever hope for. I don't think I could love her more if she were my own blood. That girl means the world to me & that Summer will always mean the most even more so then that first Summer spent by the pool in 2004. ;) I also got back in touch with an old school friend, Shounda, who has turned out to be a really great friend. I let go of what I thought was the love of my life. And while Chris will always have a place in my heart, he truly was the first great love of my life. I have found that I do have room for another. And it wont make any less of what Chris & I did have at one time at all.

That was also the Summer that I met Jaxson. LOL WOW! I knew that boy was going to change my life just didn't have a clue that it would be in such a fashion as this. What I thought at the time was nothing more than a passing FANCY (yes, I said it & ONLY because what is more perfect word for it?? lol) turned out to be the best thing to ever happen to me. What was supposed to be a small extension of a really great friendship & a few random drunk encounters turn into something as wonderful as this? Last week Jaxson asked me if I could remember what it was like even just as far back as this last Summer & in all honesty I couldn't. I forgot what it was that was so damn charming about the guy. What it was that initially made me attracted to him & who he is. How could I forget those random talks in the mall? The several hours long emails traded on myspace. All those lil things that formed & nurtured our relationship. How could I forget that? How could I have let our relationship go from that to what it is now? Just when we should be the closes we have ever been, we are in fact the worst spot we have ever been in. It's because I forgot who he really is. For two people so much alike we quickly lose sight of the other person & what they must be going through. Something that we are both very guilty of. Im not an open person by far, there are tons of layers that make me, me. I was amazingly open with Jaxson from day one. I clearly remember telling him that & I didn't understand it. It was just the pathway for all of this to take place. I knew from the start I wanted this guy in my life, I didn't want to push him away as I do with others. I had no idea why I felt that way at the time because in all honesty he was just some random guy who worked at Spencer's that flirted with me one random night. Why did he have such a pull on me? Makes more sense now. As I have always said: EVEYRTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON. The point is I remember now. Something as crazy listening to some old music totally reminded me of who I was, who I want to be again, the amazing friends I have & the crazy short guy from Spencer's who stole my heart in the Summer of '06.
***Pic was taken Easter, more to come later this week.

1 comment:

oceans5 said...

Music can take me back to all the years past too. Everything does happen for a reason. I truly believe that. Love the pic.Can't wait to see more.