5/2/09

10 months ago today

I lost the very first male love of my life, my precious, wonderful, amazing Daddy. **************Just wanted to add an edit that I just came back and reread this and if you can understand any of this, good for you! lol I was a total mess writing about Chief last night. Just very tough. I had no plans at all to write anything more than it was 10 months now and that Ryker took this picture of him. My fingers wouldn't stop typing though. There are ton's of errors and most of it just thrown in there. lol I just typed what my heart was screaming to get out for the day. Im not going to take it down but bless you if you read it and get somewhat of any idea as to what I was thinking/trying to say.**************

My heart really is breaking over this loss. Nothing feels the void. On the way to my Mother's house today I broke down. I was thinkin about how he was to take this road every day on his way home from work and how he doesn't any more. How life simply goes on.
HOW?? I just don't get that. Damn it, don't you know we are heartbroken over this man. That our life is NOT the same. Everything is different. And the world acts as if nothing has changed. When all we feel is how EVERYTHING has changed.
Chief was a good man, loved by all who knew him. His death has made a huge impact on so many. And that is a comfort for us left behind who loved him so much. It warms our heart knowing so many other loved him, miss him and really got to see what a wonderful person he was.
I was (and always will) a Daddy's girl. For as long as I can remember my Daddy told me wasn't that guy who wanted a boy, he wanted a girl. Daddy's girl. My Daddy never ever left the house that he didn't swoop me up in his arms and take me with him. He never asked, he just did it. He didn't have to ask he knew I wanted to go and he wanted me to go. He took him on overnight work trips. There was one specific trip that has always been one of my fondest memories. I was no more than 4 and the best part was laying with him in the hotel room watching Little House.
And he was the best Grandpa any kid could as for. At 18 I found myself pregnant and very scared. Who was the first person I went to? The very first person I told? My Daddy. He was awesome. He told me not cry and hugged. He said whats there to be sad about? It's a baby. Only God knows where I would have been without his support. He took Ryker out every Thursday night for a "boys night". And God was he excited about Layla! He had such a soft spot for little girls. That was his baby girl. Jaxson and I stayed at my parents house for 10 days after Layla was born and for that I am so thankful. He really wouldnt have gotten any time with her before he died had we not been there. Every night before he went to bed, he would come get Layla and take her in his room and he layed her on a pillow on his bed. He would just talk to her & get her to bed for the night. Those two hours a night is something I wish Layla could remember for her whole life. Because that's all she has of her "Chief".
She (Layla) is so cute! She see's a picture of him and she points and gives the sweetest smile ever and she says, "Cheef". She kisses his pictures and hugs them. And it's so sweet yet so sad. Her birthday is going to kill me.

3 comments:

Cassandra-ann said...

I am so sorry for your loss
((((()))))

Cassandra xx

EatCrayons said...

I am truly sorry for the loss of your father. You are so blessed for having had such a wonderful father, and great relationship. I'm sorry that your sweet little girl won't be able to know her "Chief" as you had.That's awesome that you are keeping his memory alive for her. Take care girlie. *HUGS*

Ariana said...

I am so sorry, Stacia. It breaks my heart that you have to go on missing him so much. It's not fair.